There is this fantastic opportunity for graduate students to do an internship at Oak Ridge National Labs for bioinformaticians and computational biologists like me. Now, this internship did not have a deadline, and I should have applied for it as soon as applications opened up. Instead, I started the process early November and I just finished it...today...on December 22, 2019. It took me close to two months to finish this application. Why?
Well, the last time I applied for an internship was in 2016, three years ago to the prestigious MIT Amgen-UROP Scholars Program. Needless to say, I was rejected and scarred. I (almost) completely stopped applying to other institutions, internships, and even jobs. Later, I only applied to two other places, the UC Davis Computer Science PhD program, and a job in Toronto as a bioinformatician. I was rejected from both institutions. After so much rejection, I devoted a lot of time and effort to the Plant Computational Genomics. I was working insane hours to become somewhat decent at something. I am glad I did because it turned out to be a great experience, I learned and worked on interesting and challenging problems, and eventually I reached my goal of pursuing a PhD in Computer Science, even though it was the same institution where I had done my Bachelor's (in Biomedical Engineering) & Master's (Ecology & Evolutionary Biology). I felt stuck, unaccomplished, unsatisfied, and unwanted. Cue the imposter syndrome...reason #1 for not finishing the application in a respectable time. I have to thank my advisor Jill Wegrzyn, who keeps taking me to conferences, introducing me to new people, and keeps giving me a chance to talk about our research. Even though I am no longer in her lab 'officially', she took me to the IUFRO Tree Biotech Conference this year, where I learned about the internships opportunity at Oak Ridge National Labs (ORNL). This opportunity was the right fit for me, the right research, the right place, the right people. But as a back-up, I also applied to an internship opportunity as bioinformatics engineer at Illumina. And guess what...I was rejected. Now, I could feel the dormant imposter syndrome choking me again, creating self-doubt, and an imagination full of failures. If I am as good as everyone says I am, why does no one want to hire me?!? I grew frustrated with myself and those around me because I felt everyone was lying about my abilities to make me feel better. The ORNL application had two questions that completely eluded me:
I wrote and rewrote the answer to these questions for almost 2 months. I felt like I didn't know who I was and felt as if I had nothing to contribute. Why am I even applying? Everything I wrote sounded fake. I wish I had a clear answer for how I got out of that dark place. It was probably a combination of therapy, support of friends, and continuing to chip away at my research and classes. Once the semester finally ended, I could see that I finished strong. My advisor was satisfied enough with my research that he told me to take the week off, I received my FIRST 4.0 in graduate school, and I was making progress at the Plant Computational Genomics lab as well. I took these few moments of happiness and brought them to life in my application and doing away with the writer's block that I had been battling for weeks. I had a friend read my application and their kind words gave me the courage to accept not only my application but also myself. Submitting the application brought a huge sigh of relief. However, there is also a risk associated with this submission. If I get rejected, will I not apply for other opportunities for the next three years? I hope not. I've learned that I need to continue writing so that I can express as well as I want to. Hence, this first blog. I've laid out all of my dirty failures for the world to see. Regardless of the decision ORNL makes, I will be sure to let all the (few) readers know, and inspire others and more importantly myself, to continue trying.
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AuthorThe world is a better place when we all share a little piece of our struggles. I hope hearing pieces of my life will help someone else. ArchivesCategories |